I’m married but gay – Ask Priscilla

marriage

Dear Priscilla,

I have been married to my husband Ron for five years.  He is a wonderful provider and extremely caring.  We have not been very intimate in the last two years and I blame myself.  There is no indication he has lost interest in my body.  On the contrary, he seems more interested than ever.  It has become clear to me that I am gay.  I have had feelings for women before from high school to college and beyond, but never explored my feelings deeper.  I have even been with women, but not since Ron.

I have never cheated and never will.  There is no reason to end our marriage other than my attraction for his gender has changed and I have come to terms with my sexuality.

I don’t know how to handle this.

Lost Lesbian

Dear Lost Lesbian,

I would like to begin by saying how proud I am that you have searched deep within your soul to find your true calling.  Understanding your sexuality and coming to terms with your feelings is the most critical step to finding inner happiness and a partnership you can value for life.  You have taken a very big step by reaching out and sharing where you are at this point in your life.  Because you have come to terms with such a critical life change, there will be casualties and hearts hurt as you begin a new journey.

The unfortunate part of this entire situation is that all the balls are in your corner and you will ultimately decide the fate of your marriage.  With that being sad, you need to talk opening about how you feel.  Find a safe quiet place where you two can be alone.  Set aside a few hours.  It is one thing to tell him everything and another to let it sink in.  He may get very emotional and let out some negative energy.  Let him.  Give Ron time to let the information process and time to let it all out.  Let him scream and cry if he needs to.  Once he releases all that energy, he will be in a clearer state.  This may take a few days or even a few weeks.

In the end it is about both of your respective happiness.  He knows you have never cheated and always respected the marriage and he will factor that in if you both decide to end the marriage.  I think the most important decision you both need to make is what path to take that will bring you both happiness.

Living in a state of constant misery will not help either of you.

Priscilla

*If you have a question for Priscilla, please email at askpriscillaadvice@gmail.com

 

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1 Comment

  1. Excellent reply. It is very tough situation, one which I lived through as the straight spouse of a husband who came out 10 years into marriage with three kids.

    The rub here is two people are trying to process the information from two completely different side of it.

    While the gay spouse has been dealing with the issue of homosexuality in some form or another all of their lives (and each person is unique in their journey), the other spouse will be dealing with this new information completely blindsided (in most cases). It may take more than a day or a few weeks. It may actually take months or even years.

    My added advice would be to give the spouse room, like you said, to deal with issues as they arise, even if things seem to settle into acceptance after awhile. It is a process that is unique to the straight spouse. If it took the gay spouse this long to process, it can take just as long for the straight spouse as well. Give them any info they ask for with complete honesty at all times, even if questions arise out of the blue after time has passed.

    Know that it is possible to make it through this. I did. Others have before me. Spouses who find themselves in a Mixed Orientation Marriage (MOM) can cross the waters to the other side. With love and dignity.

    Blessings,
    Emily Reese

    Liked by 1 person

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